Monday, January 19, 2015

From Left to Write - If I Fall, If I Die

"How was it that to give a child life was to, on that the very same day--even before you could lay eyes upon their slick, purple bodies--have already given them their death?"

This is a line from the book, If I Fall, If I Die by Michael Christie. I loved this line in the book as it's so true. I think there is nothing greater than a mothers love. To be a mother that suddenly becomes terrified of the outside, of life, of dealings with other human beings. How do you raise a child when you can't even handle life yourself? And as a child, how do you know that the way your mother is is not normal? Do you understand, or do you accept only what you do know?

I remember when my daughter April was born. I didn't work for two years after she was born, just stayed home and took care of her. At that time we lived in a mobile home, in a mobile home park. My husband worked two jobs to provide for us and when he came home he was tired and grumpy and we fought a lot and he didn't help much with the baby.

My mom, who was and still is my best friend lived 30 minutes away and I would talk to her every morning on the phone and again in the evening, but other than the communication with my mom and my grumpy husband I spoke to no one all day except my baby daughter.

Before you knew it she became my whole world and being home, in my sweet little two bedroom mobile home...well that became my whole world too. I can remember the UPS driver coming to the house one morning to deliver a package and I hid like the mafia was outside waiting to kidnap me and my daughter and take us away, peeking through slits in the curtains terrified. I was that much of a shut-in, I was that terrified of the outside world!

When I would go outside, to go to the grocery store or to a restaurant with either my mom or my husband I felt like I was watching myself from the outside, I didn't really feel part of the world. Kind of like taking NyQuil and not sleeping, just wandering around in a fog, always in a hurry to be back into the world I knew, the world inside my little mobile home with just myself and my daughter.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had stayed home to be a full-time wife and mother. Would I have become an agoraphobic? Would I have eventually refused to come outside at all, to be a part of the outside world? What would have happened to my daughter, growing up with a mom that refused to leave the safety of her home?

Fortunately for me when my daughter turned two I was offered a good job by a lady that had employed me in the past and my world opened up again. I met the people at the daycare center Penny Lane Preschool where I left my daughter each morning. I made friends with other mothers, I made friends with the ladies at my new job and I became acclimated to the outside world again.

When I became pregnant with my son four years later I was worried that I would go through that shut-in phase again, but that didn't happen as I still had to be a part of my daughters outside world. Had to attend school events and walk her to the bus stop, but it still scares me just a little bit how much I love being home and alone in my own little world, reading, watching TV, blogging. I worry about retiring and wonder if in my retirement maybe I'll become a shut-in? One never knows, but it's so easy to fall into it.


This post was inspired by the novel If I Fall, If I Die by Michael Christie,about a boy who's never been outside, thanks to his mother's agoraphobia, but ventures outside in order to solve a mystery. Join From Left to Write on January 22nd as we discuss If I Fall, If I Die. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.



 

16 comments:

  1. That book sounds like something I'd like to read - thanks for the introduction. I love your new profile photo!

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    1. Well thank you! It was time for a change. It's a very good book and really made me stop to think about how many people there may be out there that have this same phobia and how do their loved ones handle it?

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  2. Nice post. I am glad you were able to break out of the habit of staying home.

    I wouldn't say I have a phobia about it either way, but I am perfectly satisfied to stay at home. If I have to go somewhere, well that is OK too. I only get grumpy when I have too much going on at the same time.

    Retirement is great. I recommend it to everyone.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Sextant. I don't think that it's not being satisfied to stay at home, I love to stay home, I'm a homebody at heart. I come straight home after work and love being home on the weekends, but I think I have it in me to become a shut in, a hermit, someone that can block out the rest of the world, whether by fear or habit and I just dread having that happen, although truth be told sometimes it's sounds dreamy to just be alone with no responsibility.

      And thanks for the recommendation on retirement, I hope to try it someday myself :)

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  3. I can't quite imagine being in that place, but I can see it happening all to easily. You are so blessed that you were offered the right job for you at what sounds like the right time. So happy it worked out well!

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    1. I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened to me Michelle. I mean I am as outgoing as you can be, I was a cheerleader in high school...but yet, there I was hiding from the delivery guy. Weird what our minds can do.

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  4. It's so easy, the almost obsession with our children when we have nothing else that brings us joy. I'm glad that you've found peace outside of your home too.

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    1. That probably played a big part in it Jennifer, being so obsessed with my new baby daughter. I'm pretty sure retirement will be different.

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  5. Sounds like an intriguing book.
    As for your fear of becoming a shut-in when retired, I'll say this: retirement is an opportunity, perhaps the last opportunity a person has to (re)discover himself through listening to his soul and body, having a dialogue with his thoughts and feelings. Until retirement he/she didn't have the time for it.One can successfully do this only in the silence of one's home.

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    1. The book was very good. At times it dragged on and the author could have said more with less, but all in all a good read. I think when people retire and they have a mate or grandchildren it can be a big help, there is still a lot of activity, but I have neither at this point. Of course...I still have a ways to go before I can think of retiring! Nice to see you DUTA :)

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  6. When I read the book I thought about how easy it is to stay indoors if your choose. Especially with technology now. The characters in the books were negotiating delivering from local stores and ordering from catalogs. Pull up your computer and it's even more simple. To some extent, I know I have to struggle with, "I can go out and... OR with a few clicks ,,, can just come to me." Staying in wins a little too often.

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    1. That is so true! If I couldn't have ordered everything I needed back then I probably would still be home! Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

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  7. I can see your perspective here, and as I read the book, I wondered the same thing-- could this ever become me? I do enjoy being home, but I think I would really miss the socialization of the outside world.

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    1. I think now, at this point I would miss the socialization, but having just had a baby girl I was to enraptured with her that she was my world and I really didn't need anything else.

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  8. Alicia, if I didn't have a job and/or small children, I would probably stay home all day in my pajamas, drinking coffee and puttering around the house. I'm looking forward to actually being able to do that. :)

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    1. I think a day or two a week like that would be great Nancy, and then I think the rest of the week I would have to force myself to get out there and do something, maybe finally volunteer for the CASA program or become active in our local senior center, but today I think I will putter around in my pajamas drinking coffee!

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Please leave a comment.I would love to know your thoughts!