About a month ago I went for one of those routine checkups to my regular, normal medical doctor. She's the one that found the cancer originally and I love her to death for saving my life. Dr. Tracey Levens, Mwaaaaaaaaaa *big kiss* to ya!
So she did the pap smear, the breast exam, the growling and grumbling about my weight. She asked me to contact my insurance to see if they cover Pneumonia shots (which I still haven't done). She asked me to get my living will to her (this is about the 4th time that she has asked for this and she has yet to get it, you think she would get the hint..I'm not planning on dying!)
She gave me paperwork to schedule my mammogram and then she gave me the oddest thing! This is what Iwanna tell you about. She gave me a home, whew...can I really say it? Or even type it? Remember...I warned you! She gave me a "home stool sample kit"!
Oh yes she did!! She handed me a small box, and she explained to me that inside the box was a sheet of paper which I had to stretch across my toilet bowl and do my thing (oh the indignity!). She didn't go into too much detail from there, probably because of the look of amazement/disgust on my face. She said further directions were in the box and to just do the test and there was a smaller box in there to mail it all back to them, or...and get this, I could just bring it by the office and hand it to the girl at the front desk!
Now...I hope you know what a stool is? No Virginia, it's not one of these. . .
It's one of these (and in the interest of keeping myself from gagging and also from having my computer pull up distasteful fetish porn sites, I looked up FAKE POOP, so this is a picture of FAKE POOP.) (Still pretty darn gross though, am I right?)
Well a month later I still hadn't done it, I had opened the box and read the instructions and it gagged me so much I couldn't do it. But unfortunately I received a letter in the mail from my doctor, and it read:
WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED BACK THE STOOL KIT GIVEN AT YOUR PHYSICAL 4/21/2009. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO DO THE TEST AND RETURN KIT BACK TO OUR OFFICE. THANK YOU. . .
Now those dot.dot.dot's. . . after that comment were actually typed at the end of the statement and I know what they mean...they're medical jargon for LOL! I know it, they're still laughing at me as they realize I have to poop on paper and collect a sample for them, Grrrrrrrrr!!!
Anyway, yesterday I finally got brave enough to do the test. I placed this long strip of paper that had two little tape strips at either end, on my toilet seat. It was about 5 inches wide. Then I prepared the little sampler thingy (I believe that is the proper medical term, thank you very much!) So I have my sampler thingy ready, which looks something like this...
So I sit and I wait. Now I don't know about you, but anytime I sit down to, how can I put this delicately, when I sit down to "relieve my bowels", (yuk) I always have to pee first, but you can't pee, it's not allowed, so this was harder than you think.
Anyway, I do my thing and you can't wipe cause there's this object taped to your toilet blocking the way and if you wipe and tear it off then the poop falls into the bowl rendering said poop unusable and soiled. what? huh? what?
So I stand up, (please don't picture this in your head, please, please, please). I stand up and get this little sampler thingy which you saw pictured earlier and you have to stab it 5, yes 5...not 4, not 6, but 5 times into your "sample".
Then you take said sampler thingy and put it into the glass tube that has liquid in it and you seal it and shake it up. (Now remember, at this point I have not wiped yet...ugh!!!)
Then you take this tube that encloses your poop and you place it into a zip lock baggie thingy. Then you take the zip lock baggie thingy and place it into an envelope which then goes into a box which is then sealed and ready to be mailed or taken by HAND to the doctors office.
The final package looks something like this...
So yesterday morning, my sister Lisa comes to get me and unbeknownst to her... I have poopy in my pursy :-)
I finally explained to her what I did and told her I needed to drop it off at my doctors office. She told me we could go on our lunch hour and then grab some lunch after, (like I had an appetite after all that!)
But alas, my doctor's office is closed during the lunch hour and they don't have a poopy drop-off slot in their door! So the poopy came home with me and I told Lisa I would drop it off the next morning and just be late for work. So all day long I had this poopy with me, and I had a poopy day as well. Coincidence? Hmmmm, I wonder.
So the poopy came home with me and this morning Lisa told me, "Instead of being late, let me just put some postage on it, I have some at the office and then you don't have to stress about it". She's a real, Let's-get-it-done kind of person. So as I got off the car I handed her my poopy envelope for her to put postage on and mail.
Now I know this has been a long, long post. But I hope you stuck with me and read every word because what Iwanna really tell you is the text conversation Lisa and I had a bit later that morning:
Me to Lisa: 7:45a.m.
Thank you for the pie. I know you like it when I say thank you.
Lisa to me: 8:25a.m.
Whatever smartass, by the way, the poop is in the mail.
Me to Lisa: 8:26a.m.
Thank you taking care of my shit for me.
Lisa to me: 8:27a.m.
Lol you funny man, woman!
I crack my self up!
Lisa cracks me up!
Lisa cracks herself up!
Mailing poopy cracks me up!
Needless to say, today was not a poopy day at all!
And Lisa and I had a good laugh all day long. I hope you have a good laugh as well.
Hope you enjoyed the story Iwanna'd to tell you and that you felt it was appropriate for Iwanna Wednesday.