Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Raising a Boy


You've all heard the saying, "Mother's of little boys work from SON up til SON down"? Never was that saying more fitting than when it comes to describing raising my son. My son was rambunctious and rowdy right from the beginning. He was born to fight his way through life. He even fought being born, choosing to come out butt first and having to be born through a C-section! Never was that saying more fitting than in describing raising my boy.

Here you see me fresh from the hospital holding my little bundle of joy. You can see the exhaustion in my face and the pain. C-sections are not easy, especially when you go through a long labor with a breech baby for hours and hours before the c-section.




My son was a good baby though, slept through the night almost immediately and ate well and was healthy and happy. We loved him to pieces, especially his sister.


I was fortunate that I got to stay home with him for the first two years of his life, after that I had to go back to work and had to rely on daycare. That's when the problems started. My son was VERY active and it was difficult for him to just sit and listen to a story or color or play with blocks. He had to be constantly moving so when he had to sit quietly his hands would wander and he would pull a girls hair or poke another child, anything to keep from just sitting quietly. We must have gone through seven or eight different daycare places before it was time for him to go to school.


We hoped that starting Kindergarten would be the end of the daycare problems, but they just continued on in school. There was not a day that he didn't get sent home with a note from the teacher for some reason or another. He had a journal that he would bring home every day where the teacher would right a sentence or two about his day. Every day was the same thing, "unable to sit still", "unable to keep his mouth quiet", "doesn't stay on task", "fights with the other children"...and on and on.

His dad was not as forgiving as I and it seemed like my son was constantly being punished and put in "time-out" by his dad. As he got older it was being grounded and having to stay in his room constantly with no TV, no books, nothing to do but sit on the edge of his bed. Torture for a child that can't stop moving! His dad and I were miles apart in our theory of how to raise him.

Finally things came to a head between his dad and I and we divorced, leaving me alone to raise my troubled but loving and beautiful little boy!

Things at school escalated. I met numerous times with teachers and principals and counselors and therapists and psychologists and doctors. The school called me every day to come and straighten out some problem with my son. I recall one time they called me to tell me that my son refused to leave his desk to go to the Principal's office after making a little girl cry. I watched through the window as they tried to convince him to go to the Principal's office and he just gripped his desk with those little arms and fingers and refused. The only way they could have gotten him to go would be if they had broken his fingers or his arms. The teacher, principal and janitor came out and they asked me to sign a paper that would allow them to pick up my son's desk, boy and all and carry it to the Principal's office. I was at a point where I didn't know what to do so I said ok and signed their paper. That is just one example.

And it wasn't just at school, I had problems with him at home also. I remember one Saturday outing with my son, my mom and myself. We went to do a little shopping and stopped to grab a bite to eat at a Wendy's restaurant. At some point inside the restaurant while we were eating my son got upset and said he wanted the keys to the car so he could wait in the car. He was about 8 years old at this time and I told him no, he could sit there quietly and wait for his grandmother and I to finish. He said no and walked out. My mom wanted to leave right away but I told her no, let's finish our meal, he will be back in a little bit, where is he going to go?

We finished and went out to the car assuming he would be standing by the car...but he wasn't. I walked around the building then to the stores in the area and down the block calling him. He was no where to be found. By this time I was in a panic and called the police. The police came and questioned me and my mom and radioed other officers to be on the lookout for him. About an hour later a California Highway Patrol officer found him. The CHP office had been getting reports of a little boy crossing Highway 99, a heavily traveled 3-lane highway! When the police finally caught up with him he was 5 miles from the Wendys!

The officer that brought him back to me was very nice and said "You're going to have to keep this kid on a short leash because he has no concept of what is right and what is wrong." This was a big wake up call for me!

Doctor's and therapists had been telling me they wanted to put my son on medication, on Ritalin for ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I finally agreed, I didn't know what else to do.

Did Ritalin help my son? Well it calmed him down and made it easier for teachers and the other students to deal with him. It made it easier for him to concentrate and learn, but he hated it. He hated the way it made him feel. He would beg me not to make him take the meds and promised me that he would be good. A few times I tried sending him to school without the medication and the school would call me and know right away he had not take his medication and they asked me to come and give it to him. This is how I remember my son on Ritalin...


Did I do the right thing in medicating him? I'll never know. Will I always feel guilty that I had to resort to Ritalin to try to make my child behave, definitely. I know that I did what I felt was best, but that guilt will always be there in the back of my mind.

The good thing is that when he started junior high school he refused to take it any more and said he was going to force himself to be good...and he did. Ritalin is a thing of the past for my son, but the memory of my son's glazed eyes and swollen little face will never be erased from my mind and my heart.

This post was inspired by the book, January First, A Child's Descent into Madness and Her Father's Struggle to Save Her.
 
How far would you go to advocate for your child? In January First, father Michael Shofield and his family struggle to find the right treatment for his daughter Jani, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at six years old. Join From Left to Write in September as we discuss the Shofield's memoir January First. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.


30 comments:

  1. Alicia, you did the best you could. It is sad that meds can be helpful in some ways and so drastically awful in other ways. This is such a great post. How is your son today?

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    1. JarieLyn - I know I did the best I could but it's only human to second guess ourselves. Would he have been better off if I had stayed with his dad? Will the meds affect his health in the future? One never knows and I will always wonder. But regardless he had and still has a mother that loves him more than life itself and I will always be his greatest advocate, friend and cheerleader.

      I'm happy to say that he's doing fine and I'm hoping he always continue to do so. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  2. I feel that boys especially are misunderstood, and that the traditional school setting does not work for many young boys. A lot of the homeschooling stories that I've read online have one thing in common: the parents wanted something better for their "overactive" sons. You did the best you could, and it seems like he turned out just fine!

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    1. I fought the school tooth and nail to get them to treat him the same as the other children, finally I had to enroll him in a private school which really helped but trust me...was tough for a single mother who had no help or support from the father.

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  3. This sounds just like my brother growing up. My mom flew across the country to see a specialist for his dyslexia/ADHD, read every book imaginable, and advocated for him in every way she could. Difficult boys are lucky to have loving mothers!

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    1. Thanks Amy!I imagine it must have been difficult for your mom, it's not easy raising a normal boy, let alone a difficult one. Luckily for me my son didn't have learning disabilities, other than the lack of concentration and math...but of course I suck at math too, so we can't blame that on being a difficult boy :)

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  4. I have read that indeed young boys are not geared for a class environment like girls are. Boys are often energetic and impulsive and have absolutely no desire to please the teacher. Asking a boy to sit and behave is a far more demanding task than it is for a girl. Girls are far more likely to want to do good in school and please the teacher. The typical American classroom is designed for girls.

    There is some thinking now that boys should start later and start differently than girls, emphasizing a lot of physical activity with shorter intervals of sitting quietly and behaving. Personally I do not like the idea of separate schools for boys and girls. Yet from some of things I have read, young boys have better achievement in all boy schools because they are not in academic competition with girls who by nature have an advantage at a younger age and especially in reading and language.

    I think what happened to your son was probably the same thing that happened to me. We learned very early that we could not perform as well as the other kids, especially the girls. As such we learned within weeks that school is stupid, we hate it, and it is a form of punishment. Fortunately I grew up in a time before drugs were administered to school children seemingly with abandon.

    As I mentioned I do not like the idea of gender segregated schools. I think there is much value in boys and girls socializing and learning in the same environment. But I do think that perhaps some classes, especially reading and language should be separate in the lower grades at least to allow the boys to catch up to the girls. I also think that general co-educational classes should also cater to a boy's need for activity.

    Note I am not suggesting that education for girls should in any way be reduced or that girls should be forced to hold back to allow the boys parity. In fact you could make the argument now that lumping boys and girls together in co-educational classes in elementary school is not only hurting the boys but automatically puts the brakes on girls. Why should girls have to suffer mediocre academics because the boys have ants in their pants and can't sit for an half hour without causing trouble and will be left in the dust? I think both genders would benefit from classes geared specifically for the gender, but also keep the co-educational umbrella and have classes together in areas where one gender does not necessarily have the advantage.

    Alicia, your candor in this post is exemplary. Your willingness to share your experience with others is just wonderful, and truth be told heart breaking. It can not be easy to write out the painful details of one's life. I have admired your posts in the past for your honesty and willingness to share painful experiences. This post falls in that category.

    Ahhhh the dreaded "you have exceeded 4096 characters error". They should medicate old retired guys with amphetamines to prevent excessive gabbiness when commenting.

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  5. Continued from above.


    I look at the picture of your son and my heart breaks. We still have much to learn as a society about our own nature. Boys and girls are very different creatures having their own strengths and weaknesses, as are women and men. With the changes that are occurring in America today such as the move to services and information technologies away from manufacturing and skilled trades such as construction, I fear for young men. And when you fear for young men, you had better fear for young women as well. I think women will do OK without men economically and socially. But men without women are a very dangerous. I think men need direction, order, and accomplishment in their lives, and women provide it for them. By cleaving to women, men avoid gangs, paramilitary groups, crime, and alcohol and drugs. I fear what will happen to our society as more and more men dropout of a meaningful role in our social order.

    Alicia, I know telling you not to feel guilty is like telling the wind not to blow. Caring parents always suffer a good bit of guilt when it comes to their children. Did you notice your son came without an instruction manual? As individuals within a society, we can generally do no better than what society thinks is best. For some reason, possibly many reasons, it has been decided the way to handle energetic young boys is to medicate them, not the least of which is probably a profit motive within the pharmaceutical industry, and it just makes things real easy for everyone except the boy and their suffering parents that see an "improvement" in behavior at the cost of the lad's spirit.

    There has to be a better way and maybe your post will help someone else realize that doping up their kid is not a good idea despite what all the experts say. Shouldn't we design our educational institutions to serve both genders, rather than chemically altering boy's brains to serve the needs of education?

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    1. Sextant – Excellent comment! You make some great points. Boys aren’t as likely to want to please a teacher, so that can make the classroom environment difficult for them if they have to share it with girls. Girls, by their very nature, want to please; their parents, their teachers, their friends and later their husbands.

      I too do not like the idea of separate schools for boys and girls, there is too much they need to learn about each other to segregate them like that, but it does have its benefits as well. Perhaps my son would have benefited from being in an all boys school where he was surrounded by boys as rowdy and rambunctious as he was. And although he was threatened by his dad many times to be shipped off to military school, it didn’t come to pass, fortunately for me as I would have died without my son!

      “They should medicate old retired guys with amphetamines to prevent excessive gabbiness when commenting.”…hahaha! You could put that on a bumper sticker and make millions! Maybe just the “they should medicate old retired guys” part. You always crack me up!

      Thank you for your kind words about my post. It was difficult to write and before I posted it I sat both my children down and read it to them and we began to reminisce about other things I could put into the post…we could write a book about the adventures this boy put us through as a family! Not to mention the fact that my daughter was often neglected and had no choice but to be the “good girl” the “normal one” because there was no energy left for her. It was a tough time for all of us and we still carry the scars, some of which still ooze blood and pain at times.

      If my post helps someone, then putting it all out there is its own reward. I’m proud of both my kids and I would never want them to think that all we went through as a family is something they should be embarrassed or ashamed about, but it would have been wonderful if they had come with instruction manuals, which would have made it all so much easier!

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    2. Well stated Alicia. I am glad that you shared the post with your kids prior to posting.

      You mentioned military school. Boarding schools! What an abysmal creation! Children should be home with a loving parent or parents. I could not imagine shipping a child off to a boarding school like he or she is some damned commodity to be dealt with in the most efficient manner.

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  6. One of my favorite expressions is "we do the best we can, and when we know better, we do better." You did the best for your son. Don't beat yourself up.

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    1. Jodifur! I love that expression. I'm going to use that definitely ALOT! Thanks for sharing that!

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  7. Alicia, it sounds like you did what you thought was best at the time.

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    1. Thanks Kim, I certainly tried my best. It's not easy being a parent.

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  8. It sounds like you son made an amazing choice to take control!

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    1. He did, it was hard to watch him struggle, but he had lots of support from family and friends.

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  9. I have a mental illness and I worry everyday that I may pass it along to my sons, through genetics. Your story has a happy ending!

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    1. I can certainly understand that. My son who is now 25 worries that when he had kids they will have the same problems he did. All we can do is hope for the best.

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  10. Alicia - thanks for telling us the story about your son. How scary for you that he was 5 miles away from the Wendy's and crossing a highway! That is a strong-willed boy.

    My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and I wonder all the time if I made the right decision to agree to meds (he is on a non-stimulant at this point). What makes me feel better is knowing that, no matter what, I am here for my son.

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    1. I think it's the fact that we are medicating children that bothers people. Adults take meds for hundreds of diseases and no one bats an eye. If it helps you son then you have to do what you have to do. I hope for the best for you and your son and I know that no matter what he has a wonderful, supportive mother.

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  11. Your post really resonated with me. I medicated my son for a time, and your son's face in the Ritalin pic reminds me of how mine looked too. I'm so glad that he is learning to cope on his own, and in his words, 'force himself to be good.' You did all the right things.

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    1. Thank you! He had his good moments too. Fortunately now that he is 25 years old I don't see even a glimpse of ADHD.

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  12. You did your best to protect him, which is your job as a mom. You also allowed him to choose when he was ready to take control. I'm sure that was not an easy decision, either. Glad your son is doing well.

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  13. Parenting can be such a hard journey. I think maybe we are ingrained to doubt ourselves such to make sure we actually have put some thought into what we do. I too have a very strong willed child, she's only five. Our journey is getting easier and we are fortunate (I guess?) in that she rarely shows her difficult side to those outside our close knit community we have built around her. It sounds to me like you did what you had to do.

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  14. You did the best you could have under the circumstances. Glad you son is doing well now. The book, January First looks fascinating.

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  15. Hi Alicia! It sounds like you did the best you could with your son. I'm sure it was so hard on you being alone and trying to figure out what needed to be don. I'm so thankful to know your son is doing good now.
    I admire you and the sharing of your heart.
    Thank you for popping in to see me.
    Be a sweetie,
    shelia ;)

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  16. Wow, that has been a tough journey for you. Very tough decision for you all.

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  17. Oh my sissy! You are a remarkable, strong, awe inspiring women. I am proud to call you my sister. I am humbled.

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  18. I admire your frankness. ADHD is quite a common condition. Ritalin has improved throughout the years and parents have become less reluctant to give it to their child. That's wonderful that your son has found the way to succeed in life without the medication.

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Please leave a comment.I would love to know your thoughts!