Iwanna Wednesday

Bet you thought I forgot about Iwanna Wednesday today didn't you? Well never fear, I didn't. But what Iwanna today is not an object, today Iwanna tell you a story, a funny story, a story not for the faint of heart or the squeamish. A story of normal bodily functions and the trials and tribulations of growing older. Now remember, I didn't say of growing OLD...I said of growing OLDER, there is a big difference. All of you 40 and over out there, can I get an AMEN?

About a month ago I went for one of those routine checkups to my regular, normal medical doctor. She's the one that found the cancer originally and I love her to death for saving my life. Dr. Tracey Levens, Mwaaaaaaaaaa *big kiss* to ya!

So she did the pap smear, the breast exam, the growling and grumbling about my weight. She asked me to contact my insurance to see if they cover Pneumonia shots (which I still haven't done). She asked me to get my living will to her (this is about the 4th time that she has asked for this and she has yet to get it, you think she would get the hint..I'm not planning on dying!)

She gave me paperwork to schedule my mammogram and then she gave me the oddest thing! This is what Iwanna tell you about. She gave me a home, whew...can I really say it? Or even type it? Remember...I warned you! She gave me a "home stool sample kit"!

Oh yes she did!! She handed me a small box, and she explained to me that inside the box was a sheet of paper which I had to stretch across my toilet bowl and do my thing (oh the indignity!). She didn't go into too much detail from there, probably because of the look of amazement/disgust on my face. She said further directions were in the box and to just do the test and there was a smaller box in there to mail it all back to them, or...and get this, I could just bring it by the office and hand it to the girl at the front desk!

Now...I hope you know what a stool is? No Virginia, it's not one of these. . .

It's one of these (and in the interest of keeping myself from gagging and also from having my computer pull up distasteful fetish porn sites, I looked up FAKE POOP, so this is a picture of FAKE POOP.) (Still pretty darn gross though, am I right?)

Well a month later I still hadn't done it, I had opened the box and read the instructions and it gagged me so much I couldn't do it. But unfortunately I received a letter in the mail from my doctor, and it read:

WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED BACK THE STOOL KIT GIVEN AT YOUR PHYSICAL 4/21/2009. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO DO THE TEST AND RETURN KIT BACK TO OUR OFFICE. THANK YOU. . .

Now those dot.dot.dot's. . . after that comment were actually typed at the end of the statement and I know what they mean...they're medical jargon for LOL! I know it, they're still laughing at me as they realize I have to poop on paper and collect a sample for them, Grrrrrrrrr!!!

Anyway, yesterday I finally got brave enough to do the test. I placed this long strip of paper that had two little tape strips at either end, on my toilet seat. It was about 5 inches wide. Then I prepared the little sampler thingy (I believe that is the proper medical term, thank you very much!) So I have my sampler thingy ready, which looks something like this...

So I sit and I wait. Now I don't know about you, but anytime I sit down to, how can I put this delicately, when I sit down to "relieve my bowels", (yuk) I always have to pee first, but you can't pee, it's not allowed, so this was harder than you think.

Anyway, I do my thing and you can't wipe cause there's this object taped to your toilet blocking the way and if you wipe and tear it off then the poop falls into the bowl rendering said poop unusable and soiled. what? huh? what?

So I stand up, (please don't picture this in your head, please, please, please). I stand up and get this little sampler thingy which you saw pictured earlier and you have to stab it 5, yes 5...not 4, not 6, but 5 times into your "sample".

Then you take said sampler thingy and put it into the glass tube that has liquid in it and you seal it and shake it up. (Now remember, at this point I have not wiped yet...ugh!!!)

Then you take this tube that encloses your poop and you place it into a zip lock baggie thingy. Then you take the zip lock baggie thingy and place it into an envelope which then goes into a box which is then sealed and ready to be mailed or taken by HAND to the doctors office.

The final package looks something like this...

So yesterday morning, my sister Lisa comes to get me and unbeknownst to her... I have poopy in my pursy :-)

I finally explained to her what I did and told her I needed to drop it off at my doctors office. She told me we could go on our lunch hour and then grab some lunch after, (like I had an appetite after all that!)

But alas, my doctor's office is closed during the lunch hour and they don't have a poopy drop-off slot in their door! So the poopy came home with me and I told Lisa I would drop it off the next morning and just be late for work. So all day long I had this poopy with me, and I had a poopy day as well. Coincidence? Hmmmm, I wonder.

So the poopy came home with me and this morning Lisa told me, "Instead of being late, let me just put some postage on it, I have some at the office and then you don't have to stress about it". She's a real, Let's-get-it-done kind of person. So as I got off the car I handed her my poopy envelope for her to put postage on and mail.

Now I know this has been a long, long post. But I hope you stuck with me and read every word because what Iwanna really tell you is the text conversation Lisa and I had a bit later that morning:

Me to Lisa: 7:45a.m.
Thank you for the pie. I know you like it when I say thank you.

Lisa to me: 8:25a.m.
Whatever smartass, by the way, the poop is in the mail.

Me to Lisa: 8:26a.m.
Thank you taking care of my shit for me.

Lisa to me: 8:27a.m.
Lol you funny man, woman!

I crack my self up!
Lisa cracks me up!
Lisa cracks herself up!
Mailing poopy cracks me up!
Needless to say, today was not a poopy day at all!
And Lisa and I had a good laugh all day long. I hope you have a good laugh as well.
Hope you enjoyed the story Iwanna'd to tell you and that you felt it was appropriate for Iwanna Wednesday.

Help End World Hunger

April steered me to a really cool website. It has a game where you guess what words mean and for every 10 you get correct you donate 10 grains of rice. So it's fun to see how smart you are. . . or you can build your vocabulary and at the same time you can help to end world hunger. Check it out, just click on the link to the right of this post.

Memorial Day Remembrance

All gave some...Some gave all

Happy Blogoversary!!!!!!!!!

Yippee!!! Kris Allen won American Idol last night and today my blog is 1 year old! Congratulations to Kris and to me!

Ahhhh, I remember it like it was yesterday....my blog just a twinkle in my eye, a small idea at the back of my head and now one year old and growing. I never thought I would make it, it was a tough year. Many ups and many downs.

I know when I started the blog I started it because I had one idea that I really wanted to write a post about. It would be a post about Mexican Sayings...and I have yet to write that post, maybe in the new year?

I started out thinking this would be a blog about food and my wonderful culinary talents, then found out I didn't have any :-)
I thought maybe it would be a thrifting blog and I'm still working on that. Mostly it's a blog about things that I live and love in this world and in my life.

Last year on this day I wrote about my nieces and nephew who were graduating high school and embarking on adulthood. Well they've done great this past year. They are all in school. Two at Bakersfield College and one at Cal-State Bakersfield. I couldn't be prouder. I love you all!

This year saw both my son Jim and daughter April embark on new careers/job choices and I'm very proud of both of them. Where they've been, where they're heading and where they are now. I love you both.

This year saw my sister Lisa switching jobs and leaving the shelter and loving arms of Shafter to embark on a new career in the big city. Thanks to that decision I get to start and end every weekday in the company of my beautiful, loving sister. I love you sister!

This year saw my battle with Thyroid Cancer and it also saw me come out victorious at the end. Cancer free! A little less hair, but we're working on that. Thanks to all the sentiments and loving words and prayers from my family, friends and co-workers!

I hope that you my loyal fans, Lisa, April, Connie, Alicia, Stella and Tweety continue to enjoy my blog. Stay tuned and I hope you all enjoy the next year.

Iwanna Wednesday

This morning on the way to work I asked my sister if she had watched Two and a Half Men last night and she said yes. I asked her if she remembered when Charlie was in bed with his fiance, I forget her name. She said yes. I asked her if she had noticed the bedside lamps on either side of Charlie's bed and she busted out laughing. She said, "I can't believe that even when you watch TV you're shopping!"


Well that's what the Iwanna Queen does! She shops and Iwanna's everything, everywhere, every time! It's my duty to be observant and Iwanna all those special items so I can put them here and everyone can enjoy them. Cause even if you watched the show I bet you didn't notice those two blue crystal lamps? (I know, I know...with Charlie Sheen there why would you notice anything else? Isn't he adorable?)

Well I don't know if ya'll saw those lamps, but I fell in love and immediately said, "Iwanna those lamps!"


I checked online under the show name but I couldn't find the exact ones. But next Monday at 9am, watch Two and a Half Men and you will see them. For now enjoy these Iwanna-be lamps I found online.

This one looks almost exactly like Charlie's, but it's pink instead of aquamarine blue. I really kind of like the pink, it's warm and soothing, but those blue ones just look so icy and cool! The one below it is the same except in a lovely lavender color. I love both of these!

This one is pretty because it's clear and you can always just change the lampshade to match whatever colors your currently displaying in your bedroom. I really hate this dark lampshade, it's just too heavy for the clear crystal.

Now this one look a lot like the color of the one on Charlie's show, but his had more little balls.

And just to tell you sis...you Iwanna stuff too! For years now my sister has coveted the coffee mugs that Charlie and his brother Alan drink coffee out of on the show. See Charlie has one below. Lisa's husband and my brother in law found some that are pretty similar...I shall have to take a picture of it and show everyone.

*sigh* Don't you love Charlie Sheen? And Emilio Estevez? The apple didn't fall far from the Martin Sheen tree. I kinda Iwanna Charlie, Emilio and Martin :0)

Back in Time

Remember when Tie-Dye Tshirts were in style? I remember being on my honeymoon and taking a trip to Morro Bay and buying his and hers tie-dye's that looked something like this only with more and deeper purple colors. Can you dig it? Groovy Man! Far Out! What it is! (That's the slang of the 70's, like remember man?





I wore out my shirt by the time my daughter was two, and by then, thanks to baby fat (not my own but the fat that I gained when I was pregnant with my firstborn) I was big enough to start wearing "his" tye-dye tshirt and I wore that one til it was in tatters.


Today I found out there was a style of tshirt in the 80's that somehow escaped me, they were tshirts that changed color with the temperature of your body so you had your own personal ever-changing tie-dye tshirt. Aren't these bad to the bone? Chill?



If I can't have one of these then you can "eat my shorts". And that's a short lesson on slang of the 80's which was made most popular by The Simpsons.

I really love these, but at $28 each, for a tshirt that I can't even wear to work, well...they're really not practical. But I think they're pretty "fly".

If you want one though, you can get them here!

Iwanna Wednesday

Welcome to Iwanna Wednesday. The day when I can Iwanna anything...I can't always get it, but I can Iwanna it.

First of all, I want to let you know that two of my Iwanna wishes have come true. Seriously! The first Iwanna wish to come true was when Iwanna'd new champagne flutes. And I got them, see them here. They were a gift from my daughter April...thank you April.

The second wish was for this KitchenAid Mixer, and this Mother's Day my wonderful daughter again made my wish come true. I received the pink one! Thank you again April, and remember, $20 limit from now on for gifts :-)

So that being said, this week Iwanna a wig. A Wig you say? Why in the heck would you Iwanna a wig. Well I don't really Iwanna one, but unfortunately due to the thyroid cancer I had and the fact that I now have no thryoid and that I haven't been able to adjust to the medication my hair is falling out! It's falling out slowly, but I didn't have such thick hair to start out with.

But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade! So I found these awesome wigs and I want ya'll to help me pick out the right one.

#1 - The Jaquelyn Smith. I love this one, I have her purse, so shouldn't I have her hair? What do you think?

#2 - This would be purchased in Brunette of course. So is it the blonde that I love? Or the Style? What do you think?

#3 - The long Shag. Remember this style? I've always loved it but with my own thin, fine hair it's hard to get this style, but if Iwanna it, I can have it with this sassy wig by Raquel Welch. What do you think?

#4 - I like the spikey ends on this one framing one's face. Of course this model has a lovely heart shaped face and I have more a lovely round shaped face :0) What do you think? Now that I look at it again, I think what I like about it is the green background since that is my fav color.

#5 - This is the first one I picked out. It's kind of a young Jennifer Aniston style, when everyone wanted her haircut. What do you think?

So there you go. Help me pick my Iwanna wig. I may just get so into them I'll Iwanna wear them all the time. So what do YOU think?

A Public Service Announcement

Water and Wine

To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine ..and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: " In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, gin, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Iwanna Wednesday

I went shopping on my lunch hour yesterday at work and I found this. . .

And of course you know immediately I thought to myself, "Self, Iwanna one of those!" Can you just imagine all the cool things you could put into all those pockets? I'm pretty sure that this would be an impractical type of shower curtain to have as I would think with the steam from the water all the items put into it would be destroyed

I currently have a lovely butterfly shower curtain which I posted about here. I do really love my shower curtain and , but still. . . Iwanna one! Don't you?

Squeezable?

I subscribe to a really cool newsletter/blog that I get delivered to my email every day, it's called LikeCool.com. Everyday they send me new amusing, awesome, freaky, weird, cute, amazing things. Today they sent me this . . .

and I thought, Oh my gosh...is this for real? And apparently it is. Would you eat this? I mean I like me some bacon, but squeezable-look like poopie bacon? Ummm, I don't know.

Lisa has a saying, "Any day with bacon is a good day!" But I think even she would draw the line at this one, right sis?

So that made me wonder what other squeezable food there is out there that we are missing out on?

Well we all know about GoGurt right? I've tried this and unless you're a kid and you love to get messy these are no good. I'm really OCD about getting messy with my food so this product I pass on, although I do love Yogurt!

Japan seems to have a big market for squeezables, judging from these. The Chocolate squeezie/squeezy thing looks tasty! I'm not too sure about Garlic Toast squeezie. Maybe the Fried Rice one?

So being Mexican, I'm kinda wondering if maybe there might be a market for squeezable refried beans, with or without cheese? with or without chorizo flavoring? Hmmm? Wouldn't those be tasty on a tortilla chip? Or maybe some squeezable Pico de Gallo? Or wait....squeezable guacamole, Mmmmmmmm....heaven. Can you think of any other foods that would be great squeezable? Or squeezably great? :0)

Dad's Birthday

Tomorrow is my dad's 78th birthday, but today is the day we all got together to celebrate him. It was bitter sweet but we all tried to make it a happy day. And at times, we forgot about everything that is going on and just enjoyed the day, spending time with each other and enjoying the kids.

My dad was the greatest father in the world. I once read a quote that said that the greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. And my dad loved our mother. I never once growing up felt that he didn't love her or ever feared he might hurt her...not once.

So to me, my dad was the greatest, he loved our mother, he loved us. Everything he did was for our mother and everything he did was for us. He never faltered, complained or made us feel guilty for how hard he worked for us.

And even as loved by my dad as I felt as a child I never imagine how much he loved me until I saw him love my daughter April. I would watch in awe as he looked at her with such love in his eyes that they glowed! He would hold her and talk to her with such tenderness and he would smile a smile of pure love, pride and contentment when he held her. I would watch him and I would think to myself, "My dad must have looked and spoken to me exactly like that, he must have loved me just as much as he loves her."

My fathers love was pure, unselfish and unconditional.

Happy Birthday Dad!