The Process of Dying - It's Not One Size Fits All

 The process of dying is strange. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading the experiences of others who have been through it with their loved ones. I’ve also been following a YouTube channel for a Hospice Nurse who shares her years of knowledge and pretty much what I’ve gleaned is that it’s different for everyone. Sure, there’s some similarities, but it’s not a one size fits all process.

Last night around 4:30 pm mom let me know that she wanted me to call everyone together because she’s ready to go. It was a tough call to make because I don’t believe that people in Hospice can just make that decision and make death happen, but what do I know. I’d rather err on the side of making sure that if mom has the power to choose when to die that I not disappoint my siblings and their families by not advising them to be present.

Everyone showed up, we said a Rosary with mom and she lay there peacefully while we tried hard to be serious and contemplative and show what we have been taught is the proper respect during the dying process. But we are her children and before you know it, we would be laughing at some shared memory. We sat there until she awoke and said she was hungry and wanted some Cream of Wheat and then later she wanted some yogurt. We didn’t dare ask her “What happened to you dying mom?” we were just happy it hadn’t happened. Everyone went home and she spent a relatively quiet night until about 2pm when she awoke and wanted us to move her from her bed to her recliner.

Our first mistake was listening to her! My daughter and I got her moved to her recliner by ourselves, although it was a struggle and mom was too weak and out of it to be helpful. We kept trying to readjust her in her chair but no matter what we did she was uncomfortable. Finally, we realized that she was never going to be happy in the chair and it would be best to move her back to her hospital bed and there was our second mistake, thinking we could do that by ourselves. Needless to say, we are lucky she didn’t end up on the floor with both my daughter and myself on top of her, she was just dead weight…no pun intended.

I had to call my son to come and help us, between the three of us we got her to the bed and my son had to physically lift her out of the chair by himself and place her in the bed. Thank goodness he had the strength to do that, but I realized that I had not only placed mom in danger; but I’d also placed myself, my son, and my daughter in danger of injury. I decided then and there that we would no longer try to move her by ourselves.

Mom slept peacefully the rest of the night. I checked on her a few times when I heard her calling for her sisters, she was sound asleep, just dreaming or hallucinating, unsure which but it’s nice to know that she looks forward to seeing her sisters again soon.

It's Been Two Months - Update on my Mom

 Today marks two months since we brought mom home from the hospital under Hospice care.

I wish I could tell you that she’s back to her old self, getting up on her own and making her coffee, sitting in her chair saying her rosary and then getting up to move to the couch to work on her beading and watch Howie Mandel on Deal or No Deal, then making her lunch and doing some laundry. I really wish I could tell you that the doctors were wrong and she’s beating lung cancer and old age…I really wish I could tell you that.

These past two months have been challenging for me, my sister, our brothers, and mom’s grandkids. Witnessing the decline of someone you love is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever be witness to. While we all feel deeply honored to carry this woman’s blood in our veins, to have been raised and loved by her, we are so much more honored to accompany her on this road to her end of life.

It has not been all rainbows and butterflies; it’s been hard. Mom has always been very stubborn and independent, reluctant to ask for or accept help. Now that she truly needs our help, it’s even more difficult for her to accept it. It has been beautiful though to watch her loved ones care for her, to jump at her slightest movement in case she needs them or needs something from them. It’s been especially poignant to watch how her grandkids care for her with such tenderness and love, if she were to ask for a star from the sky, they would bring her a whole galaxy if they could.

So, we have her with us yet another day, we all hope for yet another day. Mom though is ready, she’s told us she’s ready, she wants to go, she’s tired. She speaks often with her sisters that have gone before her, she calls out for our dad in her sleep. It is heartbreaking.

The Bravest Woman I've ever known - my Mom

This is a post long over-due, but one of the hardest for me to write about. But like all the people that took the Polar Bear plunge yesterday I'm just going to jump right in.

On December 12, 2024 we had to call an ambulance for our mom who was struggling to breath due to fluid in her lungs. They did a Thoracentesis and removed several liters of fluid from her lungs. After the procedures mom was able to breath much better, but this was just the beginning of the story.

Mom and I 

On the 14th, after spending the night in the hospital with mom and freezing my butt off, I went home to get some rest. I had barely gotten home when my sister in law, Connie called to say that the minute I left, the doctor showed up (story of my life, everyone I need shows up after I leave!)

Connie said our mom wanted her four children to go to the hospital immediately as she had something she wanted to discuss with us. We all gathered at the hospital where mom told us that the doctor had confirmed a prior diagnosis of lung cancer and he had given her three choices,  one being surgery to remove part of the lung - very dangerous given her age and heart condition and other health issues; two they could place a stint in her lungs to continue to drain the fluid but the cancer was still there and would have to be addressed, plus the chances of infection were high. The third choice was to do nothing, to have Hospice step in, to go home and to make her as comfortable as possible and hopefully she would die peacefully at home surrounded by her family. 

Mom had already made her decision on her own to go home under hospice care, she just wanted the four of us there so she could tell us in person and she wanted us to be in agreement with her. We all were in agreement. 

She came home on 12/14/2024 and we have been celebrating every day that she's been given. She made it through her birthday on the 19th, she made it through Christmas Eve and Day, she made it through the New Year. I can see her deteriorating daily but in small stages, nothing I can pin point. She's on oxygen 24/7 but she can still walk with help to the bathroom and handle her business. Hospice has a nursing aide that is a sweetheart and she comes twice a week to shower mom and make her laugh. They also have a nurse that comes in twice a week to monitor her progress, refill any medications.

Because mom lives with me, I see her on the daily and I'm the one along with my son and daughter that help her at night with anything that she may need, but I have a whole team of siblings and nieces that are stepping in whenever and wherever they are needed...but even with all that …this is hard. We went through the same thing with our dad, but he was in a convalescent hospital, this is very different. I pray that mom passes quietly in her sleep at home, it's what she has always wanted. If you are someone who prays, please pray for her and for us, if you want to put kind and positive thoughts into the world for us, that would also be greatly appreciated.

I will write more another time, I want to write about her and let you know who she is and what she has done for us, she's an amazing, stubborn, smart, talented, beautiful woman, and I am so lucky to have had her to be my mom for 66 years  now...and counting.