Heaven has gained an Angel - Our Mom Has Passed

     On Saturday evening February 15th, between 7:40 and 8:10 pm our mom passed away. We were lucky that she went as she wanted to go, without pain, in peace and quiet with her family surrounding her.

    In my previous post I write about mom wanting us all to gather together on Thursday, February 13th because she was ready to go, well she was and I believe she wanted to give us a heads up so we could all get to her bedside and say our goodbye.

    On Friday morning she was no longer responsive to us; she would move around and call for her sisters and reach her arms to Heaven as if someone was there waiting to take her and she was ready to go. The hospice nurse came by and said that mom was "transitioning" which meant that mom was entering the final stages of dying. She advised us to continued using the morphine, combined with an Ativan pill and mom drifted off peacefully to sleep and she remained that way throughout the day. The nurse told us moving forward we just needed to make sure mom was comfortable and safe, if she awoke and wanted food or water, we could give it to her in small doses.

    On Saturday I had errands I needed to run and groceries I needed to buy. My sister had spent the night so she stayed with mom. When I got home mom was still sleeping and my brothers were there. We started watching a movie and towards the end of the movie I saw mom take 8 big breaths and then settle back down. I went over to her and told her she was ok and that we were all there and to get some rest. I believe it was in that moment when she took those breaths that she died, but we didn't know it.

    We finished watching the movie and my baby brother was going to spend the night to stay with mom and I told him I wanted to show him how to give her the morphine. We prepared it and I showed him how to administer it and then told him he needed to place one pill under her tongue, he asked me to show him how. As I attempted to do so by touching mom's chin, I noticed she was cool to the touch, so I touched her cheek and her arms and hands and they also were cool. I looked at her chest and it was not moving and I told my brother, "Jaime, she's gone, she's not here anymore," and then he touched her, we looked at each other and laughed that mom had left on her own terms without fuss or muss and we instantly called our other brother and sister to come back to the house, which they did immediately.

    We called hospice and they advised us they would send someone as soon as possible and they would contact the funeral home.

    We stayed with mom and with each other until they came for her. It was a sad but happy time for us. We knew mom was no longer suffering and we were happy she had not had any true pain, just some discomfort. We spoke of what a party there was at that moment in Heaven and remembered all the people that had gone before her and that were there to receive her with open arms.

    Our mother is gone, but she will never be forgotten.

The Process of Dying - It's Not One Size Fits All

 The process of dying is strange. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading the experiences of others who have been through it with their loved ones. I’ve also been following a YouTube channel for a Hospice Nurse who shares her years of knowledge and pretty much what I’ve gleaned is that it’s different for everyone. Sure, there’s some similarities, but it’s not a one size fits all process.

Last night around 4:30 pm mom let me know that she wanted me to call everyone together because she’s ready to go. It was a tough call to make because I don’t believe that people in Hospice can just make that decision and make death happen, but what do I know. I’d rather err on the side of making sure that if mom has the power to choose when to die that I not disappoint my siblings and their families by not advising them to be present.

Everyone showed up, we said a Rosary with mom and she lay there peacefully while we tried hard to be serious and contemplative and show what we have been taught is the proper respect during the dying process. But we are her children and before you know it, we would be laughing at some shared memory. We sat there until she awoke and said she was hungry and wanted some Cream of Wheat and then later she wanted some yogurt. We didn’t dare ask her “What happened to you dying mom?” we were just happy it hadn’t happened. Everyone went home and she spent a relatively quiet night until about 2pm when she awoke and wanted us to move her from her bed to her recliner.

Our first mistake was listening to her! My daughter and I got her moved to her recliner by ourselves, although it was a struggle and mom was too weak and out of it to be helpful. We kept trying to readjust her in her chair but no matter what we did she was uncomfortable. Finally, we realized that she was never going to be happy in the chair and it would be best to move her back to her hospital bed and there was our second mistake, thinking we could do that by ourselves. Needless to say, we are lucky she didn’t end up on the floor with both my daughter and myself on top of her, she was just dead weight…no pun intended.

I had to call my son to come and help us, between the three of us we got her to the bed and my son had to physically lift her out of the chair by himself and place her in the bed. Thank goodness he had the strength to do that, but I realized that I had not only placed mom in danger; but I’d also placed myself, my son, and my daughter in danger of injury. I decided then and there that we would no longer try to move her by ourselves.

Mom slept peacefully the rest of the night. I checked on her a few times when I heard her calling for her sisters, she was sound asleep, just dreaming or hallucinating, unsure which but it’s nice to know that she looks forward to seeing her sisters again soon.

It's Been Two Months - Update on my Mom

 Today marks two months since we brought mom home from the hospital under Hospice care.

I wish I could tell you that she’s back to her old self, getting up on her own and making her coffee, sitting in her chair saying her rosary and then getting up to move to the couch to work on her beading and watch Howie Mandel on Deal or No Deal, then making her lunch and doing some laundry. I really wish I could tell you that the doctors were wrong and she’s beating lung cancer and old age…I really wish I could tell you that.

These past two months have been challenging for me, my sister, our brothers, and mom’s grandkids. Witnessing the decline of someone you love is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever be witness to. While we all feel deeply honored to carry this woman’s blood in our veins, to have been raised and loved by her, we are so much more honored to accompany her on this road to her end of life.

It has not been all rainbows and butterflies; it’s been hard. Mom has always been very stubborn and independent, reluctant to ask for or accept help. Now that she truly needs our help, it’s even more difficult for her to accept it. It has been beautiful though to watch her loved ones care for her, to jump at her slightest movement in case she needs them or needs something from them. It’s been especially poignant to watch how her grandkids care for her with such tenderness and love, if she were to ask for a star from the sky, they would bring her a whole galaxy if they could.

So, we have her with us yet another day, we all hope for yet another day. Mom though is ready, she’s told us she’s ready, she wants to go, she’s tired. She speaks often with her sisters that have gone before her, she calls out for our dad in her sleep. It is heartbreaking.