Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A Matter of Control

Picture a young bride. Hopeful, happy, looking towards the future and picturing a beautiful life filled with challenges and knowing that it's she and her groom against the world. Picturing herself building a life, a home, raising children together. Picturing herself growing old with this man standing by her side and knowing that someday they would sit together at soccer games, dance recitals, school plays, holding hands while they watched their grandchildren. Hands aged and weathered by time, hands that had healed and loved, caressed and protected.

All young brides see that picture from the minute they say "I do" to the moment they are walking down the aisle towards that perfect man. The one. The love of their life. Their rock, their witness to their life. Imagine if someone at that moment tells you you have to give it up. Would you? Could you?

That's what makes it so hard for someone who is in an abusive relationship to leave. You keep remembering that picture, playing those moments in your head. This is still that handsome young groom and you can't understand why he's doing the hurtful things he's doing to you. You didn't sign on for this but you think if you just try a little harder, give a little bit more, make sure that you do everything the way he likes it done then eventually the dream will come to life and you'll have it all. It's hard to reconcile yourself to the fact that things are never going to get better, he will always hurt you, he will always try to control you. But the dream is the reason you stay in it, probably way longer than you should have.

I can remember early on in our marriage my handsome, young husband, saying to me as we're heading out to dinner, "Where do you feel like eating?" And me saying, "Let's go to Woolgrowers." (One of his favorite restaurants.) And he says, "Are you kidding me? Woolgrowers? Why would you choose that place of all places on the day that I feel like eating Mexican food? You always want Mexican food, but nooooo, today you gotta say Woolgrowers!!!" So I say hesitantly, "You wanted Mexican food? Well that's fine with me, let's get Mexican food, that sounds good too." And he says, "No, now we're gonna go to Woolgrowers because you already messed it up and now I don't want Mexican."

The next week comes around and again we're heading out for dinner and my handsome, young husband says to me, "Where do you feel like eating?" My mind races...what do I say, what's the right answer? I want to enjoy this evening, I want to please him. So I say, "Oh, anywhere you want Honey. I'm just hungry, anything is fine." My husband, the love of my life says, "Great...so you can't even pick a restaurant? Why do I have to make all the decisions? Here I am being a nice guy and taking you out so you don't have to cook and I have to decide where! Great!" Another evening ruined.

The next week comes around and again...as usual, heading out to dinner. I'm already dreading that question. I know I can't say the right thing, but I can't just abstain from answering. My stomach is in knots, I have absolutely no appetite, I just want to stay home and not even go out for my weekly gift of not having to cook. Again...the question from my husband, "So where do you want to eat?" Woolgrowers was the wrong answer before, letting him choose was the wrong answer before...but he did say he wanted Mexican food, so I say, "How about Mexicali or El Sombrero?" Again I get that look of disdain as he says to me, "Mexican food? Are you kidding me? You're Mexican! Didn't you get enough of that crap growing up? Great, just when I was in the mood for a good steak you have to go and ruin it by wanting Mexican food!"

I couldn't win. There was no right answer. He didn't want to take me out for a wonderful, happy dinner as a treat to keep me from having to cook one night a week. He wanted to control me, manipulate me, hurt me, confuse me...and it worked. This was just a small example of the many ways that he did this. This man that I had planned to spend my life with, the man in my dreams that stood at the end of that long church aisle.

And this story is just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more that no one knows, so much more that I can't share with a public audience like this. It's easy to criticize women in domestic abuse relationships, to say, "I would never put up with it, he lays a hand on me just one time and I'm outta here." Or "he dares to talk down to me and I'm outta here, I don't have to take it!" But remember that dream and the fear this person instills. He takes away your freedom of choice, he takes away your strength, your mind, your thoughts. It's easy to say, "Oh but that would never happen to me." It happens. It happened to me.

If you are in a relationship like this, whether it's physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse; just know that you are stronger that you think. Look deep down into your soul and find that strength and get out. And if today is not the day to get out, then know that it's not you. YOU are not the one that's wrong. YOU are not the one that is doing the wrong thing. YOU are not the one that is stupid, or weak, or dumb, or lazy, or fat, or ugly...whatever horrible things this person says to makes you feel like you deserve it. YOU just aren't ready. But I hope you will be soon, I hope you find someone you can talk to and I hope you find your way out.

This post was inspired by the book "Lost Edens"In Lost Edens, author Jamie Patterson struggles to save her marriage which may or may not be already over. Keeping her attempts a secret from her family, she attempts to mold herself into the wife her husband wants her to be. As a member of From Left to Write book club, I received a complimentary copy of this book for review. You can read other members posts inspired by Lost Edens by Jamie Patterson on book club day, October 27 at From Left to Write.



37 comments:

  1. I had tears in my eyes reading this because I can totally relate. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Women involved in DV relationships need to see they aren't alone.
    Again, moving post Alicia & you are spot on; it is about control.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are now in a completely different place and are again in control of your life.I hope you have a great day. Blessings...Mary

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  3. One of my weird personal beliefs about blogging is that it is, or can be, one's personal ministry to the world. What that ministry teaches, of course, is up to the individual. How genuine that ministry is, again, up to the individual. We live in a commercial world of propaganda, dogma, and controversy because all those things sell with an easy profit and instill power to purveyors of such. The world is full of shouting hucksters trying to sell us the easy path to the "truth".

    Then one comes across a blog post like this written from the heart. It re-instills my faith in humanity...and yes draws tears to my eyes. Alicia this is your ministry, and you are doing it with excellence.

    I believe that a woman is such a lovable being and love is such a simple and wonderful thing. Why does so much of humanity abuse it so? Why does humanity work so hard to avoid happiness? Naive, simple minded questions from an old romantic fool.

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  4. what matters most is that you have regained control of your own life, and how liberating that is! the sad part of this whole thing is that people don't realize how much they missed it until they have it back. i applaud you and your strength. but don't be ashamed to share! your road to inner peace can be a great tool to others, even if that path is bumpy.

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  5. Kudos to you for sharing this painful experience!

    I know a woman who's doing a lot of acrobatics to hide a similar situation to that described by you, and I feel both pity and anger about it. One should never keep silent about abuse.

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  6. What a powerful post. When people stay in abusive relationships, often the only folks who know what's really going on is the two that are in it, so it makes no sense for outsiders to judge. There's no way that they can "get it". Thank you for sharing your story and giving an insiders view of what it's like. Hopefully it will spark understanding in someone who may be judging someone else right now.

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  7. Thanks for sharing Alicia. I had tears in my eyes and I remembered my mother and hiw she was abused by my father. When I married my husband I told him that I love him, but if he ever lay a hand on me, that was it. I was gone. I guess it worked because he is so loving a patient. Most of the time I'm the one with the attitude and I probably deserve a smack. LOL! I went through a rough childhood and life goes on and I'm glad you were able to escape and live your life.

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  8. Lisa - Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately it was years later that I realized his whole issue was control. And naive little me, I married the first man I ever dated and ever fell in love with. I didn't have the tools and the experience to match wits with someone like him. He totally controlled all I did and said for many years.

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  9. Mary - As I mentioned to you in an email, I have moved on. I am in control of my life and it's been a good life. God only knows what it would have been like if I had stayed. I'm sure one of us would probably be dead by now.

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  10. Sextant - Thank you. It wasn't an easy post to write and I thought long and hard before I hit that POST button. Was this really something I wanted my friends and family to read? What would the followers of my blog think? Would they think I was weak and stupid for allowing myself to get into a relationship like this?

    I quickly saw that the way I felt when I was with him, the insecurity, the doubts, the shame was coming back! I hit that POST button ASAP! I have nothing to be ashamed of, no women does in a domestic violence situation. The attacker tries to make us feel that way, that somehow we deserve it or we brought it on ourselves. The attacker is the one that should be ashamed.

    Sextant...you are an old romantic, but never, ever a fool! Thanks for your kind words.

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  11. Heather B - As I was reading the book it brought back so many memories and I found myself getting so angry. Luckily I have the outlet of writing to help me get these feeling out of my system. And it does feel good to have control of my own life! It's been a good life!

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  12. DUTA - I can remember doing a lot of acrobatics myself. Most of the people around me (other than my immediate family)never knew what was going on in my life. I hid the bruises and the aches and pain well. I even learned how to put on a happy face. I've heard the term "functioning alcoholic" said about someone who can drink and still maintain a normal life. That's what I was, a "functioning emotional wreck". I went to work, I went to my kids school events...I pretended nothing was wrong and hid the truth from everyone.

    Abuse should never be kept silent but unfortunately usually the abuser is an expert manipulator and you don't even realize that he's taken over your thoughts, your actions, your life. It's truly sad.

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  13. MAMA BRANDI - Well said. It's so true. Even while I was in the middle of this nightmare I would hear co-workers say about someone else "How does she put up with it, why is she so stupid!" No way was I going to come clean with my problems when I knew they would talk about me like that. Never judge someone until you've walked in their shoes. I've learned that with time. With age comes wisdom, I just wish wrinkles didn't come with it too :-)

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  14. Angie - You did have a rough childhood, I know because my kids witnessed the abuse and felt it themselves. I'm glad you have a good husband and always remember no matter what your attitude is, no one deserves a smack!

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  15. Alicia, thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. I hope that others who were in your situation will be able to find the support you had to get out of a bad relationship.

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  16. My comment again did not appear, even after I was told it would.

    Great post, Alicia.

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  17. People don't get it. They just want to shout "Leave!" but it's just not that easy. Even when deciding on where to dine, it's not that easy. I can relate and I wish I couldn't.

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  18. Thanks for being so open with your readers. I've been there, but not physical abuse - only mental abuse. As I tried to explain to people, this was the man I loved. If he said it, it must be true. He ended up leaving me, allowing me to return to the person I had been before we were married.

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  19. Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you had to go through this but I'll bet you are a much stronger person having had those experiences.

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  20. Thank you so much for sharing. It is inspirational.

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  21. Kim - Thank you. I really enjoyed your post as well.

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  22. NanookMN - Well darn it! I don't know why you are having so many problems. I really would have loved your thoughts on this post!

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  23. Pamela Gold - Amen! It is very difficult for people to get it. It's so easy to say "Leave!", but they never tell you how.

    And the funny thing is most of the time the arguments and problems are over very trivial things, like choosing where to eat and you stop and think, "Hey...wait a minute, why are we having a knock down, drag out fight over deciding on a restaurant?"

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  24. Grammy Goodwill - It's all abuse, mental, physical, emotional. I'm so glad you were able to break free and become the person you were meant to be.

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  25. Paula - What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right? Thanks for commenting and for reading my post. I appreciate it!

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  26. Carolyn - You're welcome, thanks for reading!

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  27. Alicia, you have many readers. According to statistics, it is probable that one in eight has suffered or is suffering from abuse. It's heartbreaking that so many victims hang in there and take the pain because they feel they deserve the abuse. How well you described those feelings that victims appear to share. Victims remain victims until the light dawns that they have done nothing, nothing at all to deserve abusive treatment. When that moment comes, hopefully the victims will be able to escape with the help of family and friends. Community resources like shelters have provided help that saved and saves lives. It's unthinkable that funding for such resources might be reduced or eliminated altogether. Alicia, by speaking out you may have given some of your blog's fans a timely wake up call. Would you mind if I forwarded this post to google and the other sites that are listed at the bottom of the post? You get a gold star for this one, and I couldn't be happier that you're one of the ones that got away.

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  28. NanookMN - What you say is so true, some victims see it sooner than others but some see it too late to be saved and it's really a sad situation. Of course you may forward the post to google and any other sites where you think someone would be helped by reading this.

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  29. I love this line, Alicia, it sums up Lost Edens: "if you just try a little harder, give a little bit more, make sure that you do everything the way he likes it done then eventually the dream will come to life."

    This made me think of how early readers of Lost Edens really wanted to know how I got into a "try a little harder, give a little bit more" kind of a situation. After a lot of consideration I decided not to include that in the book because in the end the nuts and bolts of how you find yourself in a moment where you're trying to guess the right restaurant for dinner just doesn't matter. Everyone gets there in a slightly different way. Like you said, abuse can happen to anyone.

    Your post was just wonderful and will certainly help someone needing to hear that they're stronger than they think they are.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. And thanks for reading!

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  30. Jamie - I'm honored that you visited my blog to read this post inspired by your book. Thank YOU so much for sharing your story and I hope that you are in a much better place in your life at this point in time.

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  31. Thanks so much for sharing this bit of your soul. {{{HUGS}}}

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  32. It took so much courage to write this post, Alicia! So glad you are in a happier place now. Have a great week!...hugs...Debbie

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  33. It is hard, and this is a perfect example. So much of it is little things to get you under their control... and it slides little by little by little. And yes, that picture is still there and it's a "failure" on your part when you admit the picture was never there to begin with, no?

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  34. Wow! That's an amazing post. Very honest and inspiring because to just have been married and get treated like that over an innocent question like dinner is horrible. I can only imagine what happened following that over the years. I've never been in a relationship like that but was talking to my cousin today about how her husband degrades her all the time. It really bothers me because I feel like eventually it'll go from that to physical abuse. I sent her a link to your post. Maybe it will help her. I'm sure it will help others. Good for you!!!!!

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  35. Alicia, you really touched me deeply. I felt your pain as I read and you brought tears to my eyes as well. I am so glad you got out. I was in a similar relationship and he would do the same kind of emotional abuse that your husband did to you, which also eventually led to physical altercations. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I'm so glad you shared your story because if you help just one person today or tomorrow or next year because of your words, then you have possibly saved a life. XOXO Thanks so much. I really admire you.

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  36. Paula, are you Paula Lima? If so, I didn't answer your comment because I Ididn't know you. I thought you might be the hacker that left me stranded in Cyprus.
    If you are Paula Lima, I welcome you as a fan. Aren't Alicia's posts lovely? The Old Baguette or NanookMN

    (And I tried to answer the message, but I couldn't. Maybe I can now.

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  37. You have always been an inspiration in my life. You have helped me through so many of lifes hardships because of your pride in self. I have always thought of you as the strongest person I have ever known. I am truly honored to have you as my sister.

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Please leave a comment.I would love to know your thoughts!