Tuesday, July 26, 2011

It is Better to be Alone than in Bad Company

A long time ago, when I was struggling with my marriage because of an abusive husband, my paternal grandfather, whom we lovingly called Tata, pulled me aside and told me, "Mija, hagase valer. Mejor sola que mal acompanada." Translated it means, "My daughter, value yourself, better to be alone than in bad company." That made such a profound impact on me that I've remembered it to this day and have given that advice many times to various friends and truly believe in it.

Last week I told you all about my wonderful birthday gifts and greetings from my dear friends and family members. I also promised photos from a trip I was taking to Las Vegas. Well I have a few photos, but very few. This is not a happy post but perhaps it will help someone who is in a situation where they are not valuing themselves and they are thinking better to be in bad company than to be alone.

I mentioned a romantic weekend getaway with a new gentleman friend. Well he turned out not to be quite the gentleman I thought he was. Let me say upfront, I'm ok, I'm fine, he didn't hurt me, nothing like that...at least not physically. I am not going to get into detail about word for word the awful things he said and how he made me feel, but I will say that he has a problem. A big problem. A problem that I had seen little, tiny glimpses of that made me suspect something was not right, but nothing I could really put my finger on.

The problem? Alcohol. The first full day we were in Vegas he started drinking beer from the second he woke up until he passed out around midnight. Some people drink and are happy drunks, this man was not one of those. The drunker he got, the meaner he got. Needless to say Saturday was a horrible, miserable day for me. I spent the majority of the time alone and crying and wishing I could go home. I honestly debated with myself whether I should just pack up my stuff and call a cab to take me to the bus station. I stuck it out and we came back home Sunday, one day earlier than he had promised.

Sunday on the drive home he acted like nothing was wrong. He was his old self:, cheerful, funny, talkative. I started to wonder if I had dreamed the whole thing...the ache in my heart told me it wasn't a dream. Once we got to his house where I had left my car I quickly told him that we were done and left.

I'm not sure why this all happened, but I guess it's better that I realized it sooner rather than later right? I'm sad of what "could have been", but happy that I found out in time that this was not the type of man I want in my life. If anyone out there is in a relationship that is bad but staying in it in the hopes that it will get better, or that he/she will change, they won't. Value yourself and realize that it truly is better to be alone than in bad company. My wounds from this weekend will heal and eventually someone who deserves me will come into my life and he will receive someone that values and respects herself and will value and respect him as well.

I debated posting about this because I like to use my blog to post happy things than make others happy. But in the end I felt that maybe it would be best to put it all out there in the hopes that someone that might be going through a bad relationship might be helped by this and by the wisdom of my dear Tata, Manuel, may he rest in peace. I love you Tata.

I did manage to get a few photos on my cell phone the first evening we got there, so I'll share those with you and trust me...I am going to back to Vegas again and I'm going to have so much fun it will make up for the horror of this trip!


  1. You had a great day on your birthday with the people that really care for you. Remember that and delete the memories from Vegas. And yes, it's better to be alone than with bad company and I agree with that motto 100%.

  2. The only thing to keep from the trip to Vegas is your determination not to be bullied or worse by this fellow again. I'm glad you had that great day on your birthday - now that's a good memory!

  3. Angie - Thanks so much for being one of the key players in making my actual BIRTHday so special. That is the memory I will keep close to my heart!

  4. Pondside - You are so right, once a bully always a bully and oh my...he has never met anyone as determined as I!

  5. Good for you for getting rid of this jerk! Plus, it's better that you realized his true colors now rather than later!

  6. One learns something from every experience. Your Las Vegas experience was not a good one, to say the least; however it will only strenghten you and encourage you to seek the suitable man that you deserve.

  7. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. Many women make excuses for their boyfriend/husband's behavior instead of sticking up for themselves. It is better to know now, than later. I applaud you and your strength.

  8. Paula - Yes, thats a huge blessing to be able to find this out before it was too late. It's so difficult to meet anyone and I really thought maybe this guy was the one. He seemed stable, but you really never know someone until you spend more than a few hours with them.

  9. DUTA - you are so right my friend. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

  10. Heather B - I made excuses for several years during my marriage. I vowed NEVER AGAIN! So far I've kept my promise to myself. But darn it, I was so hoping it would work out :-(

  11. You had a wonderful Tata. Great advice he dispensed. I so would have come to your rescue if you had called me. I am proud of you for handling the situation the way you did. You have lots of courage my friend.

  12. Alicia,

    You said in my blog that I touched your heart. Well you just broke mine with this post.

    You were absolutely right in posting this, women need to stay away from abusive men and I admire your courage and candor in posting what has to be a very painful experience for you. I read your birthday post below and your optimism for this trip was touching then I read this post and my heart broke for you. You did not deserve this, no woman does.

    Obviously I don't know you, but from what I read in your blog and see in your pictures, you are a very lovely, young at heart, optimistic woman and any man should thank God to be with you.

    I have been blessed in my life by a wonderful woman. When I read your post about this guy, I was struck with the thought but for Grace of God and the grace and love of a woman, there goes I.

    When I was young (a long time ago, I remember hearing Tennessee Ernie singing that song on the radio when it was popular...I was in first grade) I was headed in a bad direction. I could see myself as an in the gutter alcoholic today. I started going with my wife. She inspired something in me that I could not find by myself. I quit drinking, and became something of a responsible human being. Any decency that I possess can be directly attributed to my wife. Her love and belief in me turned my life around.

    I have a very firm belief that men desperately need a woman in their lives. I would like to think that women also need men, but I am not so sure anymore. I fear that you can live well without us, and that does not ode well for men.

    I think all human beings need love and a rock--that person we cling to, that we know will never hurt us or let us down. My wife has been that person for me, and I hope has taught me how to be that person for her. Men must learn to cherish their women not abuse them.

    Your grandfather was very much right. Value yourself! Wisdom from God. Your statement:

    "eventually someone who deserves me will come into my life and he will receive someone that values and respects herself and will value and respect him as well."

    should be on a billboard or perhaps the covers of Cosmo and GQ. Why there should be a battle of the sexes rather than a harmony of the sexes is something I don't understand.

    I have written and commented on many blog posts, and have read many many more. But seldom have I seen a post with the courage and importance of this post. You are to be commended for your candor. I am sorry that your weekend went so badly, but this really is an excellent post. Blogging is our place in the world to say something important, you have said that here, and have said it well.

    I hope other women and men--for there is a huge lesson here for men--read this and become wiser and more capable of loving. And I sincerely hope that you find that right guy, and I believe that he will be a very very lucky guy.

  13. JarieLyn - I was so tempted to call you my friend. But I'm nothing if not determined to fix my own problems and get myself out of my own messes...lol. Next time I go to Vegas I won't call you to rescue me but I will call you so we can get together and have a drink or coffee and just chat!

  14. Sextant - Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I once heard a line in a movie that I shall never forget. It's the movie Shall we Dance with Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon.

    In the movie she is asked why people get married and she says, "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

    You say in your comment, "I think all human beings need love and a rock--that person we cling to, that we know will never hurt us or let us down." That is so similiar to the line in the movie. Your wife is your witness to your life as you are to hers. You've truly been gifted in life to have found each other.

    I hope my witness, my rock comes into my life one day.

    Thank you so much for your comment, your thoughts and your inspirational words to me. They mean so much!

  15. Alicia,

    You are welcome and thanks for posting this excellent post.

    I remember the movie, but forgot the quote. Lovely quote and very true.

    I hope your witness, your rock comes soon. Love just makes the world a better place--we all so desperately need it.

    Thank you for the inspiration.


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