This is tougher than I thought...

Well, it's been two weeks and two days since my daddy passed away.

It's been one week and three days since his funeral and burial.

Today is the last day of his Novena and the pain and sorrow is just as strong as it was the day he died.

No...not true, the pain and sorrow is greater because it's finally hitting me that he is gone. That he's not here anymore. That I can't just pick up the phone and call him, I can't get in my car and go have a chat with him, he's not here anymore.

I feel like I don't even fit inside my own skin anymore. I just want to leave my body and be somewhere where there is no loss, no pain, no sorrow, no anger, no resentment!

At times the hurt overwhelms me and I don't know where to turn or what to do. I just sit and stare. I can't seem to focus on work or television shows or books. When I'm alone I want to be with family and when I'm with family I want to be alone.

I have moments when I think I'm better and then grief knocks me on my ass and blankets me with a heavy shroud of sorrow and I feel like I will never be able to lift the weight of it off of me again.

I have to remind myself that this is normal, that this is going to hurt, that it's going to take time and that I will recover. I have to remind myself that I'm not going nuts, that nothing is wrong other than I am grieving for my daddy and that while I will always miss him, someday the hurt won't cut as deep and I will be able to breathe again.

 

We all now have a Guardian Angel in Heaven

My sister and I have both worked in a funeral home in the past. I worked there almost five years and I believe my sister just as long, if not longer. Even my mom worked there during evening and weekend visitations. We're comfortable and familiar in a funeral home. 

Yet the day when we walked through those doors as customers instead of employees came way too soon for us. 

 Yesterday morning we walked through with our hearts heavy, knowing that we were there to make funeral arrangements for our beautiful father. Yes, daddy passed away peacefully on July 30th. 

It happened so quickly that we didn't have time to get there even though I only work 10 minutes away. He was not alone though, he had his loving wife of 56 years by his side, holding his hand. He had my brother, his name sake, Federico there by his side. Within minutes of his passing the room began to fill with all those he loved the best, his sons and daughter, his grandsons and granddaughters, his son and daughters in law. 

I was amazed by dad's grandchildren. They hugged their Tata and held his hand, there was no fear of death, no one was uncomfortable, this was their beloved Tata, our beloved father, her beloved husband. It was a beautiful moment. 

Of all that happened after dad's passing that is what I will carry with me in my heart about his moment of death, that he was surrounded by love.